a brrip's life

2009-09-04T13:32:00.003+08:00

time is running out

And so the summer comes to an end. Well, almost. Looking back at the past three months, it's a bit difficult being satisfied with how time just completely flew by, and when I stop to think about what I've 'gained' over this time, I'm drawing a complete blank. It's been uncertainty after uncertainty, not in any major life changing way but mostly a lack of decision-making on my part. Mostly it's been fun, maybe a bit too much of pointless fun, but then again fun is generally pointless isn't it?

20 days and it'll be back to the lecture theatres of the Cruciform, though I'm tempted to do it my way again just to prove a damn point. For now that is a bit secondary I suppose, since I have to go over and sort out my housing before everything else. London seems a bit daunting at this point, and I guess the only thing I can do right now is see how this plays out.

But really, I think everyone says this in their blog entries but life's not all that bad. I guess we all find something to be unhappy about, or happy about, it's just that the former is so much easier to articulate sometimes.

And now for the cryptic part of this entry, I shall judge people:
People who claim to be judgemental should at least try to buid some sort of perch on a moral high ground. Otherwise it's just call backstabbing. Burn, bitch.

2007-11-10T13:00:00.000+08:00

Who is John Galt?

John Galt is Prometheus who changed his mind. After centuries of being torn by vultures in payment for having brought to men the fire of the gods, he broke his chains - and he withdrew his fire - until the day when men withdraw their vultures.

-Francisco d'Anconia, Atlas Shrugged

2007-11-04T18:46:00.000+08:00

Day 1

Freedom doesn't always feel like freedom. But what better way to mark the end of two years of (compulsory) erm service than with an exam. The SATs.

Feels quite stupid though, retaking them for the essay and then coming out deeply dissatisfied with it because I spent 15 minutes stoning. Even so, it was an enlightening experience of random thoughts. Here are some:

If Dumbledore is gay, it gives a whole new angle to him asking Tom/Harry "Is there something you wish to tell me?"
If c apples cost n cents . . . (getitgetit? cn, sian? bad humour limited to writing, bet they didn't know what they were saying when they set the paper in the US)
How cool "the Next Episode" (from the Nokia advertisement) is, considering my new phone and my new freedom.
"God is in the rain" - Natalie Portman, V for Vendetta (no idea why, but I remember it as one of the subtle cool parts in the movie)

And after that was the BBQ which ended up with more liquor than food. And I'm glad I was sane enough to enjoy the sights when most others had lost it enough to create some very hilarious scenes.

And since this post is late, time to use the most overused line for this date:

Remember, remember the 5th of November

It helps that it's vaguely of importance.

2007-11-02T15:25:00.000+08:00

So, the way I see it, the 5th of Januray 06 just took a really long time to arrive.

2007-10-21T21:03:00.000+08:00

inspiration

There are two types of people who live to inspire, those that view it as an extension of self and those who see it as redemption for self.

Hm.

2007-08-26T19:26:00.000+08:00

What are you supposed to do when you're forced to face something you've spent so much time trying to avoid?

I guess as much as I (especially me being me) hate to admit it, there are some things you can just spend your whole life trying to understand and you'll just end up going in circles.

2007-07-01T20:29:00.000+08:00

falling in love. (a tribute, a memory)

That constant search for the someone special in our lives, the hope of doubling our own existance by finding that other half, it's an unreal feeling to fall in love as we like to call it. It's the detachment from the rest of the world, that feeling of caring only about one single human being above all rest, and taking all the pains to give them the slightest comfort.

Love, my dear, is the purest feeling we know, because it speaks of the need to fall into someone's arms for the much needed rest, more than just physically. The need we all struggle to mask behind our individually lonely existances, the fears of someone peeping right into our soul - love is the lifting of these insecurities to a single person we deem special, we deem unjudging and understanding, someone we deem empathetic and not just sympathetic.

They say everyone needs someone, and this interdepedence on each other (just when symbiotic seems a little harsh) is the special relationship we do find eventually is the start we look for, a fresh perspective to a new phase in our lives. Suddenly our priorities become a compromise between who we are and who we want to be for our special one, and we want to juggle a lot more just to spend a few more special moments together.

It's funny, how this special experience is special each time it happens, and a heartbreak never tarnishes the exhileration and excitement when one is lovestruck again. Be it the fear of giving it all away in a single one-second-too-long glance, or pushing that very boundary in trying to get a definitive answer of how that desired other half feels - each time we struggle to trust our feelings, to be a little reckless but often being held back by the fears of "the last time".

Each time we teach ourselves to take a risk, and that one single time we do seize the right chance, the one time we choose to not hold back - that's the time we finally find someone who can keep our shoulders from slumping from disappointment, someone who can keep that smile on our face, someone who can love us and let us love them, without a worry and give us an honest belief when they tell us that everything will be alright.

"everything will be alright..."

2007-06-26T23:45:00.000+08:00

er, blasted

Okay i mean blessed, not quite but close to it. And blasted is the only word that came to mind which is close enough to it without being the word itself. Yes I believe that makes sense.

Right anyway, since I've left JC, I'm sure everyone reading this (at least to my knowledge) has heard me say it like a million times: I think all the shit I've gone through has altered who I was, and I want that old self back. I've said it various times for various reasons, but I sure do say that a lot don't I.

WELL, somehow for the past one week, along with all the shit (for the lack of a better/worse word) I've actually been feeling rather good about all of this in some aspects. Because I'm slowly returning to that old twisted self of mine that I so narcissistically adore(d). Hoho. Aren't we all glad now? Come on say yes. You so want to.

Okay so I still need to work on the old blogging ways (ya I don't want to keep writing like this), but some stuff is finally coming back with the ORD mood thing. So here's to ego, narcissism and a truckload of my nonsense.

2007-06-08T20:57:00.000+08:00

defining moments

By (mostly) a random coincidence, I was back in school today, and it so happened that june camp ran late this year, like every other year. Going back on wednesday for 3 Generation dinner really left me low, in a sense because im like part of the 4th Generation, and even though there was quite a bunch of us there, it just seemed odd.

Well either way, today was the last day, and i got the chance to watch another council go through the final traditions of june camp, and it's really funny because such moments just remain equally priceless from council to council. The outgoing council can't hold back the tears (try as they might) and the juniors can almost relate to what they're feeling without really understanding it. And oldies like us just stand there and think about our time, and just soak up all the memories that once came with this moment. Then there's that loud cheer, the most passionate one in the council term. Man, all that emoness is just so in the moment.

So here's a good luck to the 32nds, and yet another memory of our time as the 29ths. Because not every batch of the council is the 29ths. (so sayeth someone outside our council)

But love is worth the pain
And all tears you cry

*jonk took that pic.

2007-06-03T00:15:00.000+08:00

blog entry

I think that's worthy of a title because it's something rare for me recently.

Well either way, all this not-blogging has kinda seen me through the time that I didn't need anything to be written down, to be read when a while has passed and I'm randomly bored enough (and rather egotistic as usual) to go and find pleasure in my own ramblings. I've been trying to figure out my direction in life, quite literally.

It's really odd because I've never sat down and thought about why these decisions actually require so much thinking on my part now, when all along the next step has been quite an obvious choice, in previous such decisions anyway. So it's true that the decisions are a lot harder, but somehow I think there's more to it than that.

All along, there has always been a foundation to base my decision on, and it's always seen me through. That's just how I thought it'll always be. And of late I never actually got around to realising that I no longer have that luxury, that there's nothing to base my decision on, that it's entirely a decision I have to make without the consideration of how it'll affect anyone.

So be it with resignation, the roll of a dice, sheer cold logic or some sudden burst of passion, I'll come to a decision.

When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time.

2007-04-20T17:51:00.000+08:00

bitchy bitchyness

Okay, so maybe less than half kept. Friday night,and I'm still angsty. Hur. It's always delightful to know that you're being missed, oh wait, NO IT'S NOT. Not this time. My weekend's shortened, can't wait for it to start. Tomorrow afternoon.

So maybe blogging on the move ain't so great. It's like angst disposal through a public medium. Sadly no formatting. Not until i brush up my html to at least a basic level.

2007-04-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

Test phone post

2007-04-18T09:35:00.000+08:00

after 3 meals and less than one battery, i'm back.

but a promise half-kept is a promise broken.

2007-01-12T20:24:00.000+08:00

growing up.

I was gonna start this post with "I think there are people in this world who go about their business thinking that they invented the word 'wise', but it was ME" (or I if we were being grammatically correct, losing the dramatic emphasis) but then I figured that the subtelty of the sentence would be lost on the poor idiots. (and still is I'm sure) Well yes so they say you're supposed to get wiser along the way, about the choices you make and the way you make them, in your special little way.

I've heard this time and again - army makes boys into men. What that really means is that when you're in a job that you know you can't quit, you kinda figure out how to neutralise those little explosive emotions before they grow into something more and are expressed a bit too bluntly. So maybe all of us would learn faster with the system of extras, well for some cases they'd actually ever learn subtlety.

So is growing up a process where you learn when to keep your mouth shut, learning to take a stale perspective to things such that there's no conflict among the way you see things and the way others do, or actually rationalising things out with yourself till you're at peace?

hide behind the verses if you want, but you know growing up is more than that. at least take a look around.

P.S. I'm still a kid waiting for ORD, and for now I'll just live with the consequences of that. To DotA, and to MSN, and to everything that'll eventually lose priority to the things that are supposed to matter. Maybe also to blogging, for a completely different purpose.

[edit] darn I was supposed to start with the words I think, so it'd sound like it's my perspective and that I don't believe in this whole thing with a 100%. Ah well.

2007-01-08T18:47:00.000+08:00

Okay so maybe I got lazy and just shifted the boxes around using Dreamweaver. --> new template.

2007-01-05T18:10:00.000+08:00

Wow, it's 07. One year in army already, but more importantly, only 10 months more heh. The realisation that it's 07 hit me when I went back to AC yesterday. Another batch of kids entering, even less of them wearing blue though. Even so, the mood was definitely better than I expected and I couldn't help but smile watching them cheer and make a mess of the ohsoimportant rugby field. Hurhur.

Guess I might be spending my saturday night at the campfire tomorrow heh.

OH and the army's so unfair, the current J3 batch gets to enlist on 11th Jan! That means they get to attend all of orientation before going in, I only got like half a day! Okay haha so maybe I was the only working army boy who got to be there this year, so I'm happy enough with Mindef.

2006-12-30T12:24:00.000+08:00

cool stuff

after raining everyday for the whole week (and even before that) the rain finally stopped in time for class chalet. hur. and it just sended, grey clouds are already visible. awesome stuff. the chalet went well, meaningful to a lotta people who attended, and in different ways for most.

buy of the month (not year because i got my iPod video this year =D) would have to be the LotR trilogy extended DVD set I got for 25 pounds in London(around 75 SGD). And back here it costs 75 bucks per set, 225 for the trilogy.

A new template is in order once I get myself working to finish it. This is not like the previous two times I said this because I actually got a pic for it this time! Soon soon.

2006-12-16T17:47:00.000+08:00

someday you will find me,
caught beneath the landslide
in the champagne supernova in the sky

2006-11-04T20:03:00.000+08:00

Exactly one more year to ORD! Ugh gotta go supervise Remedial Training for NSmen in the morning though.

Oh btw, I'm trying to find a new layout, so if any suggestions besides blogskins, please let me know! Nice pictures for the layout would be even better.

2006-10-25T00:57:00.000+08:00

I just had to post this. Still have no idea who took this though.

2006-10-22T01:39:00.000+08:00

old friends/bookends

I think nothing beats a good phone conversation with a faraway friend, especially when it's at the expense of the waking hours of your own time zone. Haha. So here's an entry for the smile that isn't leaving my face, and nothing more. (:

Old Friends
Sat on their park bench like bookends

2006-10-15T21:14:00.000+08:00

blogging

One of those nights when you feel like reminiscing, just looking back through memories which you hold close to yourself. I was re-reading my old entries on this blog, and it made me realise how diligently (and often, stupidly) I used to write here very often, and then I found myself writing not for some sort of release but because I genuinely believed in what I was writing about. Some well-thought messages, some reckless ones, all with due subtlety. And then it stopped altogether.

That was when I tried closing it down, thus closing down my last channel with a lotta people I don't have the chance to talk to on a regular basis. But then I think army kinda took care of that anyway, for a while at least.

Then again I'm typing all this out, but there is a part of me asking myself what is the point? I'd be better off using this time changing my blog template. But then again time's hardly an issue for now. 8-5 army life. I just hope it stays that way.

2006-10-09T10:10:00.000+08:00

Ah the pleasures of being home on a working day. Feels good man. Haven't done this since uhh May? For a change it feels damn good to stay up late the night before and know there's no work the next day. Haha. Ok well I guess this is all for a purpose, so let's just hope that it goes alright today.

2006-10-08T12:51:00.000+08:00

the haze

Okay I think a lotta people might not be in the mood to appreciate this, but try looking out of your window at 2 am at night. Believe it or not, the haze adds a certain amount of calmness to the quiet outside. It's like you can literally see the stillness of the air outside. I guess it's the closest Singapore will get to the scene of a cold winter's night, as long as you're indoors anyway. The blurry street lights, even the reduced vision has its effect on the feeling it gives you. I'd have posted a photo, but I don't have a proper camera, (note to self) not to mention the skills required in using one properly.

In an unrelated story, the stupid haze is making me sick! Ugh. Haha, even so it's hard to not appreciate the scene out of my window last night.

2006-09-14T22:39:00.000+08:00

Hello, O readers of dead blog. ---> mine.

I've finally come to a conclusion that life never really settles done. Life at MMI is definitely educational, and I don't mean the identifying arrythmia kind.

Anyway lately there's been a lot on my mind thus the obvious lack of blogging. Tomorrow hopefully two important things will be settled. I sure hope tomorrow's my lucky day.

Okay shit I have nothing more to say. Hopefully I'll think of something soon. Till then.

2006-08-26T01:43:00.000+08:00

Yawn I've finally forced myself down here to pen something down. I just haven't been blogging because I seriously can't find anything to write on a public medium.

But yes either way, I just finished The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Quite a good book, philosophy's quite on the face compared to his other novels, but yeah it's still pretty darn good.

Proper entry next week! Haha try ok?

2006-08-09T00:43:00.000+08:00

Since I can't think of anything to post as yet,

Have you ever:
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) snuck out of your parent's house
( ) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back

( ) been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) skipped school
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a crush on one of your internet friends
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire

(x) eaten sushi
(x) been skiing
(x) been at a concert
(x) taken painkillers
(x) miss someone right now

( ) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle

(x) gone puddle jumping
( ) played dress up
( ) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game

(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
(x) used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set

(x) felt an earthquake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood

(x) petted a kangaroo/reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
(x) run a red light/stop sign
( ) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car crash

( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast/third person
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
( ) danced in the moonlight

(x) liked the way you looked
(x) witnessed a crime
( ) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
( ) squished barefoot through the mud

( ) been lost
(x) been on the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
( ) felt like dying
( ) cried yourself to sleep

(x) played cops and robbers
( ) recently colored with crayons
( ) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't

(x) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) danced in the rain
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus

( ) been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party

(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them

( ) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
( ) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) kissed a fish

(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 5 hours
(x) stayed up all night

( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
( ) scared to watch a scary movie alone
( ) believe in ghosts

( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school
( ) gone streaking
( ) gone doorbell ditching
( ) played gay chicken

(x) pushed into a pool/hot tub with all your clothes on
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) caught a butterfly

(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
(x) cheated on a test
(xxxxx) forgotten someone's name
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool/hot tub
( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house or been kicked out of your house

Thanks Pedro haha

2006-07-17T21:29:00.000+08:00

the 31st Students' Council Investiture

The experience of going back for the Investiture was just surreal. The same hall, the same stage, the same aisle, the same blazers - except it wasn't us in them. When the music starts to play, all the emotions we felt from June camp, to Ian's farewell speech, and all the way up to Lif's and Plock's last time doing assembly just come back in a single tear.

And us 29ths sought to capture all we went through in 2GB of a DVD. It just couldn't be enough, but it's as tangible as feelings could ever get.

And here we were back in school, at least those who could make it or care enough to go, watching our juniors wearing that shared symbol of love for the last time. And so it will go on. I clearly remember that Monday waking up in Zhic's house, trying vainly to style my stubborn hair, putting on that blazer at 5 am in the morning all in a rush to make it to school for our big day. Investiture (: Walking into the hall as one council for the very first time. The very first time. Let's go back to that. How I wish...

2006-06-25T19:58:00.000+08:00

falling in love.

That constant search for the someone special in our lives, the hope of doubling our own existance by finding that other half, it's an unreal feeling to fall in love as we like to call it. It's the detachment from the rest of the world, that feeling of caring only about one single human being above all rest, and taking all the pains to give them the slightest comfort.

Love, my dear, is the purest feeling we know, because it speaks of the need to fall into someone's arms for the much needed rest, more than just physically. The need we all struggle to mask behind our individually lonely existances, the fears of someone peeping right into our soul - love is the lifting of these insecurities to a single person we deem special, we deem unjudging and understanding, someone we deem empathetic and not just sympathetic.

They say everyone needs someone, and this interdepedence on each other (just when symbiotic seems a little harsh) is the special relationship we do find eventually is the start we look for, a fresh perspective to a new phase in our lives. Suddenly our priorities become a compromise between who we are and who we want to be for our special one, and we want to juggle a lot more just to spend a few more special moments together.

It's funny, how this special experience is special each time it happens, and a heartbreak never tarnishes the exhileration and excitement when one is lovestruck again. Be it the fear of giving it all away in a single one-second-too-long glance, or pushing that very boundary in trying to get a definitive answer of how that desired other half feels - each time we struggle to trust our feelings, to be a little reckless but often being held back by the fears of "the last time".

Each time we teach ourselves to take a risk, and that one single time we do seize the right chance, the one time we choose to not hold back - that's the time we finally find someone who can keep our shoulders from slumping from disappointment, someone who can keep that smile on our face, someone who can love us and let us love them, without a worry and give us an honest belief when they tell us that everything will be alright.

"everything will be alright..."

2006-06-21T22:07:00.000+08:00

Everyone said that it was too early to start counting down, ORD's still like 500 freakin days away, but I got the countdown timer anyway! Haha and even now, I find myself going "ORD" at least ten times everyday heh.

Like I was explaining to Zephyr today, ORD is like Christmas. It's not about the day, it's about the feeling! Haha if you can keep the mood n spirit alive for the whole year, merry christmas to you in June! So basically I'm gonna be in ORD mood for the next 500 days. Woo! And counting.

2006-06-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

Just came back from 3G dinner. It's one dinner that is a completely different experience every year. Today was alright I guess, council brings out a different part of me completely. Still doesnt beat last year's 3G dinner.

Damn, I need to start writing proper entries. Just not today. Good night, too tired.

It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

2006-06-03T13:25:00.000+08:00

No one should attempt to sing an Amy Lee song if they aren't up to it. More later haha

2006-05-29T22:26:00.000+08:00

Alright. POC and post out... to MMI!

First of all the morning of the postings it was quite a suspense with all the rumours flying about regarding MY posting in particular. (sigh) I nearly jumped in my seat when i found out that me, Xi Wern and Zephyr all got posted to MMI.

First day at work there. Oh man lots of work! My upper-study's gonna be gone in two weeks and I gotta finish learning everything by then =/. Apparently there's a lot more at work here than just handling patients, so must be damn careful. Urgh.

Well end of medic course meant some goodbyes, haha especially one to someone I said bye to in Ninja before meeting him again at Nee Soon. So yes CC, goodbye, with like my first ever properly taken pic in number 4s. Smart 4s mind you. (Haha)

2006-05-28T11:41:00.000+08:00

Got this off somebody's blog. Hm.

Love - a feeling of unconditional care for someone, and a willingness to go to any lengths to make them happy, to care only about that person's well being and happiness no matter what that means for you.

Idealism - a point of view that takes not just the best case senario but the 'dream' scenario, neglecting completely the possible capacity of the elements involved, and going way beyond these real capacities.

And now let's go back to that. Love is defined for each kid as he grows up through fairytales, parents and religion to some extent, among other factors. It leads to us growing up to teenage with the allsogreatandhappy concept of love, and this certain amount of craving for it in everyone. As we unwittingly get hurt and hurt others, we shape our concept of raw into reality, keeping certain ideals and throwing away the rest.

Someone might say that friendship is about give and take, but love is purely giving. Is it always that people fall in 'love' to give? It's hardly uncommon for a girl to give in because the guy is so sweet to her, essentially keeps giving... and well, she keeps taking. Right or wrong, agree or not, such things do constantly shape what we want 'love' to be.

And then there's the group that find love locked up in the safe. Literally. It's the initial attraction coupled with a lot of Ithinkthiscouldworklongterm-ism. A weighing of pros and cons, of needs and wants.So then again, why do we keep trying to define love? What we start off (most of us) is what I've tried to sum up on top, but it's our own experiences and tendencies that shape our own definitions of the word that is really beyond words.

what is love to me? It is [censored]. For now, I don't know for how long. I don't dwell in forevers, I just hope this one time forever gives me a chance.

2006-05-24T20:42:00.000+08:00

Bookout! Ya well 4 hours is still called a bookout. It's the last day of course, and it's damn scary. Tomorrow's postings and I'm quite uncomfortable with the rumours going around. Hope they're wrong but I honestly doubt they are haha. Short entry today. Hoping I can blog tomorrow! (All depends on posting)

I don't want to lose it, coming down
With the whole world upside-down

2006-05-16T11:32:00.000+08:00

Hello people. I was supposed to blog this weekend. (extra long thanks to my 3 days MC, not that it was an enjoyable time, and the fact that last friday was a holiday) Surprisingly enough I still didn't get time to sit down and blog. Haha well the highlight of the weekend would probably be the class outing which went better than I'd expected frankly. Guess having a room to ourselves did quite bring back how crazy we were in the classroom. Heh quite a sight.

A lot of pseudo-philosophical thoughts going through my head, but I think I'll leave them there for now. Maybe a proper entry this weekend.

Last weekend before I'm officially a medic! After that, it's actually illegal to shoot me in a battlefield. Haha. And hopefully I'll get a stayout posting which my nose would be grateful for, and I could learn to love.

Alright that's all for today.

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows? Only time...

2006-04-29T18:07:00.000+08:00

Being in AC for six whole years, I guess at some point I developed a habit of fiddling with that badge whenever I was bored or too groggy early in the morning. (as much as it started initally to make sure I hadn't lost it lol) At times in camp nowadays, my hand instinctively goes up to where that badge used to be only to realise that it isn't there, that it doesn't belong there anymore. I'm not in AC anymore.

Damn, I miss school.

2006-04-17T22:12:00.000+08:00

There have been many times in my life when I have felt helpless. It is perhaps the most acute pain a person can know, founded in frustration and ventless rage. The nick of a sword upon a battling soldier's arm cannot compare to the anguish a prisoner feels at the crack of a whip. Even if the whip does not strike the helpless prisoner's body, it surely cuts deeply at his soul.

And so I have no reason to question why I'm still reading on. Sometimes fiction, fantasy at that, can make you appreciate the subtleties of emotions. And strangely sometimes you can't even interpret your own emotions correctly, yet you can convince yourself you feel otherwise. Isn't it?

2006-04-11T23:13:00.000+08:00

Abstract wisdom in a punchline:

No one dies a virgin, life screws us all.

2006-04-10T23:34:00.000+08:00

I think this line quite covers how I feel about my NS life.

move along, move along just to make it through

Had a particularly bad start to the day today. And by the looks of it this isn't the end of it. It's hard enough to stay attentive there sometimes after the way I've been sleeping lately. I never really knew what the heck insomnia was all about, till now that is.

There are other issues I wish were resolved, but it takes two hands to clap. Let's just say the lights are out and I don't know if that hand is still there. Anyone got a lighter?

2006-04-07T15:09:00.000+08:00

I think I need to blog more. Recently I got myself a little notebook to put down my daily thoughts, and do some out-of-point writing. I guess it's better than blogging sometimes, you can be honest with yourself without being out in the open with it. Given my present state of mind that might not be the best thing, but lately I've learnt to put up with the fact that life's about compromise sometimes. <--- I can't believe I just said that.

I guess sometimes feeling beaten gives you the determination to prove yourself. At first it just feels like you've lost all your confidence, and makes you majorly doubt yourself but eventually you just gotta get back into it, and fast because there really isn't a pause button in your life. Ladeeda for someone who can write all this down, I think I need to actually put the stuff into practice.

Speaking of the pause button, I'm doing my NS now, and it hasn't really been great. First going out of course from BMT, then medic course. Sometimes you just want more I guess, something you really wanted at the start and lost focus in. Medic course is actually one of the better ways to spend an NS life, just the place is damn dusty and makes me sick (literally) all the time. Now it turns out I have to continue with this course, and I will. I just hope to get posted back to Nee Soon camp at the end of the course so the doctors can just handle whatever comes later - BMT recourse etc since they already know my condition.

Last night before booking out, I realised that NS is only a two year thing, but making the wrong career choice could pretty much make you miserable for the rest of your life, unless you decide to defy the odds and take that risk to plunge into a field you're not qualified for, at least on paper anyway. I just hope I've made the right choice, or will make some serious amendments to my choice before my time comes.

So why this entry? Today I learnt a lesson about honesty from the last person I'd have expected to teach it to me. And here I am trying to put that into practice. Haha I guess I'm new at this, but I'll try. I think a change of template is in order, though I don't quite know what to put up. I guess I'll just wait it out. Hopefully, soon enough, I'll be blogging like I used to. Just a little more fixing to go.

2006-03-31T22:44:00.000+08:00

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on? In your heart, you begin to understand: there is no going back. There are some things time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, and have taken hold." - Frodo Baggins

2006-03-27T21:11:00.000+08:00

I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost...

2006-03-21T17:47:00.000+08:00

I'm back here. New template, or rather a new perspective to the template that I first used on this blog. Guess I'll see how it goes for a week and then decide.. I find it rather sad that diary-x closed down, it'd have been nice to re-read all those entries once like my friend pointed out. Ah well.

Somehow each day passes way too quickly nowadays, and there's this strange feeling that I'm missing something. Like there's some way to make better use of this time which I haven't quite figured out yet, or that I should be doing something fulfilling, just I can't figure out what. I guess it might be what many people go through during these 2 years of relatively low brain activity.

Either way, I've just begun on a medic course, or like they like to call it "Paramedic level one". Sounds better right? Haha. But yeah day 2 of this stay in course, I'm already on attend C (basically that means sick and at home) and that's after I already have special permission to come home everyday. My pes is probably gonna be downgraded, and right now I'm thinking whether I should request for an out-of-course status from this already very slack medic training. Sigh my bunk mates know me as "red eyes" after day one already. So that's kinda why. It's bad when you have to make an effort to keep your eyes open, not out of boredom even.

2006-02-26T22:12:00.000+08:00

My last post was about the Johari. Haha the results were predictably inconclusive sadly. It turns out that I have a major blindspot, and that most people don't agree on which adjectives best describe me. ~~Oh well~~ Ah well.

Three days to the big results. All I can say is I hope I don't have to come back home with a glum face. There's no "I'll study hard next time" anymore. It's kinda scary if you actually think about it, that your A level certificate has been printed and nicely laminated, lying behind some closed door in the middle of a thick stack already, and you don't know what it says.

So come wednesday it's gonna be the same arrangement as always. The whole hall filled with J3s and whoever else can fit in to watch the yearly unrehearsed performance. Half the crowd will be waiting for their name to be called to go up on stage while the other half will be waiting for the presentation to end so they can go collect their results. Damn, even typing this out is a little scary. There's more than one reason to be scared really, none of which I'll share here.

So to all the people collecting their results on wednesday, all the best!

2006-02-22T00:08:00.000+08:00

Everyone's doing it, after a few days of resistance I realised I didn't know why I was resisting it. So here.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=brrip

Try to not make it like my tagboard and leave anonymous messages haha. LIFENG! -_-"

2006-02-19T16:29:00.000+08:00

Hello people. As some of you might know (and others not) I've been posted back to the island we call Singapore as a service medic at Khatib camp, though I'm still confused about that cause the map they gave me has nothing to do with Khatib. Haha oh well.

Anyway, just thanks to everyone who's been messaging me while I was back on that island with the fixated fashion sense and funky hair-do(n't)s. Really man, it feels good to see all those messages from your friends when you go back to your bed at 10 pm. I think I talked like 11 hrs on the phone in Jan, I bet my bill's way over my pay. Haha so yes thanks all you people. You know who you are, I don't wanna take names simply because I'm scared to leave some names out.

So now hopefully I'll be home everyday, which means I hopefully won't be sick so often, will be able to help out with Red Blue Gold and will be spending A LOT MORE. Still, there's that job at CMPB I really want. See how it goes I guess. Got like two rounds of interviews or something haha. But I REALLY hope I get it.

For now I'm happy as a medic haha. At least if I get sick I don't need to walk to the medical centre now.

2006-02-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

Haha I was gonna write a proper entry today, but I think the lack of... I don't even know what, in my post surprised me so I scrapped it.

For someone who used to have a lot to say, suddenly I'm wondering what it was I wanted to put down here tonight. I know it had something to do with life, with love, with anything that is of meaning to you, of value to you. Or is there a difference in the last two? Is value defined by a pricetag or by an emotion? An emotion? A memory perhaps?

This blog should have more guest blogger posts to make it mildly interesting. Honestly.

It's not hard to fall
when you've flown like a cannonball

2006-01-31T18:33:00.000+08:00

There's something about this picture that makes it very special. Maybe it's the natural smile on our faces, maybe it's that uniform. Whatever it is, I miss it. That uniform, that badge I'm wearing, sitting on the bleachers thinking about things that shouldn't matter and those that do, staying late hours looking out that window to see the lights above that banner we called our creation, let's not forget being on the edge of those rules without ever really breaking them and so much more.

It's funny how that same place only felt that way at that particular time, and now as comfortable as it feels to go back, that feeling of homeliness is missing. That building still stands, everything is the same, but our time there has come to pass. Eventually there'll be another place, a different group of people that may someday mean something similar to all of this.

2006-01-21T20:22:00.000+08:00

Back from Tekong yet again. I think I can safely book a weekly appointment with a doctor haha. Sick again. =/ The bug's going around man. Somehow being in Tekong makes you out of touch with time. Maybe it's the fact that there are no newspapers! Haha I honestly miss seeing the Straits Times every morning.

And yes word has gotten around that I'm in Ninja company. Haha in terms of physical training I think it's what we all expect when going in for NS. At least the continuous rain has somewhat stopped so it's not too cold to sleep at night. And my section's overall quite nice so you're assured entertainment when you're in the bunks. We've got short fart, a gente giant and a crapper. We have a lousy excuse for a radio but we don't even need it man.

So yes an eventful 6 weeks ahead. After which I'll hopefully be able to start using hair products again. Heh.

Look over your shoulder
I won't be there
Just ask yourself why
And you'll know I'm still waiting right here

2006-01-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

Ever stopped to wonder when the last drop of rain falls
Whether there's no water left up above
Or did the clouds just decide to pass you by

2006-01-04T18:48:00.000+08:00

So I guess I'm back. I just couldn't shut up. But obviously enough I won't be updating here too often since I'm going in for army tomorrow. I don't really know what to say here since I'd been writing here, and not posting for good reason. Going back to school last 2 days felt quite different.

Short entry today. I really don't have much to say but I just couldn't take it having nothing to write after re-opening so yeah.

Hotel Tekong here i come.

My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Read on.

There wasn't much of an opportunity for a goodbye, but I don't think I want to call it that. Sorry about yesterday, I guess I was a little rude and I really apologise for that. I guess it kinda sucks to be finding out things from other people, and try as I might it gets hard to forget sometimes. For now all I can say is a belated happy new year, I was too scared to wish you. And all the best teaching at AC.

2005-12-20T16:46:00.000+08:00

Take the test here. Not too bad. For the kind of weird questions they ask you, the result is vaguely accurate.

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

2005-12-16T08:13:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had a moment that you wished last forever? And then the next moment you forget what it was you were gonna say. Haha. Guts yes, but they don't last very long. But that moment makes it all worth it, and of course they can't take that away from me, no they can't! hahaha

When it's my moment in the sun,
Oh how beautiful I'll be
But in a normal sort of way,
like I am you and you are me

2005-12-13T23:52:00.000+08:00

Ahhh I find myself even more stressed than my A level days I tell you. Haha. But I wouldn't say it's been a happy few days. I don't know why. They just haven't been good. As the 5th of Jan seems to be coming closer, I'm realising there is lots I haven't done, and wouldn't be able to do. I hope I at least get to go for Merchant of Venice before that. But that's not up to me.

Haha I can't help but remember this week last year! Shit i realise this is a bad habit but yeah. Haha OGL camp! I remember trying to stay up past 12 on the second last day (fifteenth dec) of the camp but died out before that. Haha. Ahh those were the good old days, though I have a funny feeling I'm gonna say the same thing about these holidays in time.

Ok I think it's clear enough that I haven't been blogging properly. I've said this way too many times here before, and here I am again. Haha I guess I just don't know what to write here anymore. Part of it is because I've lost my will to do so, and also partly because I think of what to write on my bed just before sleeping. Let's just say I'm VERY lazy, so yeah getting out of bed is out of question.

(after staring at this screen for 10 minutes, I decided it's not worth SO MUCH effort trying to write further.)

2005-12-09T01:20:00.000+08:00

Finally managed to catch Saw II today. Man it was damn good. Haha at first I didn't think it matched up to the first one, but by the end I'd say it definitely got close. Like woahhh. Haha I don't want to spoil it for anyone who might want to watch it and sadly still hasn't. For example due to being sick or having prior engagements and being unable to join us today. Haha.

I think today was fun though. Within one day we squeezed in Pasta mania, movie, pool, DotA and Enfos! Haha but seriously the Cine LAN shop might be heavily overpriced but the potato wedges are worth every single cent.

I think I should fork out some money soon to buy some nice DVDs.

In randomness of randomness, sometimes strange things show you strange things. <----- Bullshit. (:

Ladeeda. Who lives in a pineapple under the tree... I mean sea. Haha I think it's just the time of the day... I mean night. (P.S. only the second one was intentional)

2005-12-08T01:05:00.000+08:00

Got this off Shirah's blog.

You are Hermione Granger! Your smart too, but in a pretty anoying,
know-it-all kinda way. Overall tho, your
pretty decent. You stick to your convinctions,
and usually force them upon unwilling others.

Which Harry Potter Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Haha ok so I cheated for that one. Heh. Sue me!

2005-12-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

Today it's one week since the big A levels ended. Sure doesn't feel like it. Haha spent my first full day at home today, and I seriously think it's damn boring having nothing to do all day. I think I better go blow some cash on something to pass time.

Cleaned up a small little part of my room today. Re-read some of the notes from the past two years. Haha it's quite fun man. I was counting the number of blueslips I kept and halfway I got frustrated and lost count. Haha I concluded that it's A LOT, and left it at that. It feels good to have one neat drawer standing out from the rest of the mess in my room. Haha I guess I might clean that up soon, maybe by the end of the month/year.

Ok this is random but damn I miss council. Haha. I remember this time last year it was madness in preparation for Seniors' Night, Orientation and a little bit for December camp. It was so packed and tiring, but o so fun! Maybe we'll crash december camp this year. Heh. And of course Seniors' Night is a completely different thing this year for me, since it's OUR Seniors' Night and I can't wear the council blazer this year. Haha but I'm prepared (I think) after buying my stuff yesterday.

That is, before the class dinner. Haha the class dinner was quite fun, didn't really eat much but I ended up sitting in the middle of all the girls. (and Candice haha) It wasn't all that bad quite funny actually. I think it's quite funny that our class has quite a strange mix of people but it still works out alright. Haha tomorrow's Miss Chia's wedding, soon to be Mrs (I forgot wat). I bet everyone's still gonna be calling her Miss Chia for a while haha.

2005-11-23T17:51:00.000+08:00

Okay I was too lazy yesterday but so yes, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I guess the movie came out okay (just okay) no thanks to the director and not to forget the casting. Anyone remember the first movie? Yes not as exciting a plot and all that, but whatever it was, it was maximised by getting a cast that almost perfectly matched the characters. Then came the second movie, the old Dumbledore is replaced for well known reasons, and did I mention the new one sucks? He can't act, he can't even shut up and stand in a corner like the calm and composed old man he's supposed to be. Guess they're not putting much thought into who to cast anymore. It's more about making the show come out with good effects. At least they aren't screwing that part up.

One thing I will not complain about is that they left out too much stuff (well that Quiddich match would've been nice) because in those two and a half hours, they packed in so much stuff that everything was so rushed as it is. Again, they couldn't find a cute Cho Chang so they starred Mr Cedric Diggory. Whatever sells the movie right? And Victor Krum was NOT supposed to be like that either! Haha he was supposed to be poorly built, not a bloody bouncer. He's a SEEKER, they're supposed to come in S and XS sizes.

And let's not forget the "oh this movie's darker than the rest." Is it now? Or is that just so that people besides little kids and teenagers will go watch the show? Think about it, the Chamber of Secrets was way more "dark". I just kinda feel bad for the people watching the movie without reading the book since so much stuff is left unexplained.

Either way the show is a must watch! Haha due to erm old characters like erm Hermione, Hermione and did I mention Hermione? Haha okay fine the other old characters were good too, except Neville lost too much weight and Ron has too much hair. So yes in spite of all the bad things the movie was still worth watching. The triwizard cup was well handled, with some minor plot fixes. But yeah try to read the book first for maximum effect. Heh.

I'd like to go on about saying nice stuff about the movie, cause it really is a nice movie, but I can't think of anything so yeah. Haha.

2005-11-21T21:26:00.000+08:00

must blog about harry potter tomorrow!

for now it will suffice to say

HERMIONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2005-11-05T19:12:00.000+08:00

Ahh and here comes the start to the end. The end of something that I can't quite comprehend fully. I'm thinking about a new blog template haha but I don't think I'll do that until after As. I think what I lack in posts lately I make up for with new templates. Heh. Actually I might just keep this one with a few minor changes.

Either way the As are finally here. I don't really know what I'm feeling, or if I'm even feeling anything regarding the subject. Haha I've kind of switched that part of myself off for a while. I realised I study without music mostly nowadays, because the songs I've frequented at different times in the past somehow bring back some of those feelings and emotions, not to mention a major distraction when you sit down and actually look back. There'll be time for that after As.

Come tuesday it begins. About 3 weeks from now it'll be over. I sit here and ask myself what I want to do then, and strangely enough I see nothing on that list. Or maybe just that one, then again maybe not. Ah well 3 days before the As if you're still reading this, all the best. This is the part where you tell yourself you can do it, and nothing else matters.

"I can do it"

2005-10-24T21:43:00.000+08:00

Ok I obviously haven't been writing here. So to make up for my lack of blogging and not be discrete about it, I decided to put up a few pictures of my room in its natural condition, they way I study best. Haha.

2005-10-17T18:47:00.000+08:00

Internet tests, how amazingly unprecise. (I hope there's such a word) Notice that they "compliment" each other. So I'm balanced if you take average. Haha.

Auditory : 35%
Visual : 64%
Left : 64%
Right : 35%

Pramit, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant and show a preference for visual learning, although not extreme in either characteristic. You probably tend to do most things in moderation, but not always.

Your left-hemisphere dominance implies that your learning style is organized and structured, detail oriented and logical. Your visual preference, though, has you seeking stimulation and multiple data. Such an outlook can overwhelm structure and logic and create an almost continuous state of uncertainty and agitation. You may well suffer a feeling of continually trying to "catch up" with yourself.

Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor. You can "size up" situations and take in information rapidly. However, you must then subject that data to being classified and organized which causes you to "lose touch" with the immediacy of the problem.

Your logical and methodical nature hamper you in this regard though in the long run it may work to your advantage since you "learn from experience" and can go through the process more rapidly on subsequent occasions.

You remain predominantly functional in your orientation and practical. Abstraction and theory are secondary to application. In keeping with this, you focus on details until they manifest themselves in a unique pattern and only then work with the "larger whole."

With regards to your career choices, you have a mentality that would be good as a scientist, coach, athlete, design consultant, or an engineering technician. You can "see where you want to go" and even be able to "tell yourself," but find that you are "fighting yourself" at the darndest times.

And then there's test number 2!

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (66%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain.
Left Brain (42%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Haha two tests I took recently. Any idea which one I should believe?

2005-10-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

Ah the last proper school day in my life in ACJC. On the way home from Xi Wern's birthday party, I just kinda had a flashback of the last two years. It just put a smile on my face thinking about everything... all the way from the start. Heh who can ever forget the wonderful Orientation, the friends I made in the first week of school, the people who remain my closest friends now.

And it only got better and better from there. Haha then came SC2, my wonderful class. I remember going to SA1 for like err two hours, and then I was back in SC2. The great friends I made, starting from my first substitute for V-day a.k.a. dumb blonde Jasmine, then my fake girlfriend Cat (I wonder if you still read this so that's all I say for now); my going home buddy who happens to be fairly perceptive and extremely slow in replying messages, Candice a.k.a. Ahmad; the one guy who I actually talked on the phone with, Raymond Chooooooo a.k.a. choochoo I don't think I can EVER forget them. Really man. It was just too much fun being in SC2. And watching the undercurrents hurhur. Try imagining SC2 without even one single person and it'll be so... strange. Incomplete. Haha basically, try taking out that photo we took on the first of July and pull anyone out. =P I think you get the point. Heh.

Then of course there was the 29th Students' Council, and the EXTREMELY POWERFUL CCA subcomm. We rocked man. It was damn fun for the great year we spent together, and how we still stick together after we've stepped down. I'll remember every single thing I hope, like teasing the girls (and one guy hurhur) on the jacking list and of course being crowned the King of Gossip. Heh. I hope I'll remain as close to this wonderful bunch of people as I am now, and get closer to some others.

[the last two paragraphs have been damn bloody hard ok. I really don't know how to put this in words on a public blog!]

Ahhhhh shit it's past midnight as I finish this. I wonder if I'll cry tomorrow. =X I'll try to find an alternative way to express myself regarding this I think. Writing it out here seems inadequate. Right now I just feel like taking a truck of superglue to school tomorrow and glueing EVERYTHING and EVERYONE down into their respective places so we can remain there. Haha, but that's of course not possible.

So now I wish all you guys all the best for the upcoming A levels. Let's get down and mugging and top of the best two years of our lives with a good A level cert so we can grow up and tell EVERYONE that ACJC rocks, and we DON'T slack. Heh. I'm so glad I didn't end up wearing white pants for two years. Or any other yucky colour. I think I'm gonna put up all sorts of stuff from AC so they're permanently embedded into my memory. Ok I better get off the com now. I shall not sleep through tomorrow's service. Heh. A first, but also a last.

For love of the passion (no copyright infringement right? haha)

2005-10-09T12:12:00.000+08:00

Optimism is like this:

A little bird in the sky,
You look up and it shits in your eye,
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.

Hahahaha... Absolutely spastic. Believe it or not it's part of an encouraging SMS =/

2005-10-02T23:48:00.000+08:00

Got this off Ben Pooi's blog. From www.colorgenics.com.

Enough is enough - and you feel that you've had enough for a while. You don't need any more battles. You just would like to be able to shout 'stop' and experience a little peace and calm - even if it be only for a little while. This doesn't mean that you need to cut yourself off from the rest of the world - it just means that you are seeking some respite, some physical or emotional relaxation that could release some of the tension and possibly reduce the internal conflict.

You want what you want and you need all that you want and, as they say in the movies, you are the sort of individual that 'By hook or by crook' you will, by fair means or foul, endeavor to get what you are looking for.

Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams.

Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavor but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

You are frustrated and stressed. You appreciate the finer things in life but at all times you appear to stay aloof, critical of everything and everyone about you. You will not be carried away by your emotions and you refuse to trust anyone or any situation unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore, you keep a strict and watchful control on your feelings as you must know exactly where you stand at all times. You demand complete sincerity as a protection against your own tendency to be too trusting.

You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation. You are a difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please.

Found this thing fairly impressive, it's true in so many ways which I don't think anyone else could begin to comprehend. It's then you wish that someone did, then realising that nobody ever did. It's strange how some people strive to isolate themselves in their way of thinking, to be different, to be special when there are others who try to break out of the same isolation that traps them beyond their own control.

It's a strange existance we all lead, as we strive to uphold our own personal principles against the obvious influence of the people around us, people with their own set of principles. We change each day whether we admit it or not, and each day we seek a greater understanding of our own lives. Can we ever catch our shadow by chasing it? I guess you catch my drift.

So are we to turn a blind eye on anything about us that's changing, or stop this process of unintentional change somehow? Go figure. Bleah. At this point I guess you're thinking I'm ranting yet again in the same tone you so hate. So I invite you to close this window. Haha.

It's the last few days of school. Each day I turn up, wanting to run away from it, staying because I don't want to regret when it's all over. My life in ACJC consists of all too many meaningful memories, and an equal share of bad experiences. Even so, I wouldn't exchange the good or bad for anything. I just hope I don't lose touch with the close friends I still have.

Read on.

Today I write her feigning all the confidence in the world as I've done for all too long. Till now it hurt that you couldn't see through it. Till now it hurt to think that you truly believed that I was looking for a fling. Till now it hurt that you've never believed in me, but I've never really given you a reason to. It wasn't reason enough that I was there whenever you needed it. It wasn't reason enough.. ah but you don't even know. You can't begin to ask, and I doubt I can do anything to explain.

Today I realised that there's nobody left who really believes in me. And yet I appear to be the same confident/arrogant person I've been. It's annoying isn't it? To see me appear so damn sure of myself even though everything about me spells failure? Everyone seems to consider this facade real confidence, I just wish you weren't one of them.

2005-10-02T00:43:00.000+08:00

New template again. Or rather old template mostly, new picture. I removed the wolverine one because the picture's too big for the lousy quality of free uploading sites, coupled with the fact that I'm a cheapskate.

This pic reminded me of something from the Fountainhead. I have no idea why.

I inherit nothing. I stand at the end of no tradition. I may perhaps stand at the beginning of one.

This picture strangely attracted me since i saw it almost an year ago. So today I decided to make use of it here. I was thinking of the title "monument of loneliness" but nah, it doesn't capture my perception of the picture. So no title for now.

2005-09-28T21:37:00.000+08:00

Horoscopes

Aquarius
28th September, 2005
It's time to get past something between you and an old friend. Isn't it tiring to pretend that it's not there after all this time? Resolving the situation will be a relief - you're much more comfortable when everyone's happy.

2005-09-25T23:52:00.000+08:00

Was looking through my previous posts and found this poem. Haha. I like.

offerings

I came to you at sunrise
With silvery dew on sleeping lotus
Sparkling in my gay hands
You put my flowers in the sun

I danced to you at midday
With bright raintree blooms
Flaming in my ardent arms
You dropped my blossoms in the pond

I crept to you at sunset
With pale lilac orchids
Trembling on my uncertain lips
You shredded my petals in the sand

I strode to you at midnight
With gravel hard and cold
Clenched in my bitter fists
You offered me your hybrid orchids

and I crushed them in my despair

Maybe I'll write about it tomorrow, with the right combination of guts and coherence. Which is unlikely after math s. Blah.

2005-09-22T23:17:00.000+08:00

Honours night today. Today was officially the last time I got to wear that blazer man. So my blazer finally R.I.P. Haha. Walking out of school today, the weather was damn nice. There was a bit of mist, quite a cool night. And there was this strange calm about tonight. Not the calm before a storm, but one that brings a feeling of lasting peace. You could consider it the type you probably get after the storm subsides. Haha the respite before you start picking up the pieces. I don't even know how to describe it. It was very soothing, I'd have stayed there longer if I wasn't so hungry. Blah.

2005-09-16T22:01:00.000+08:00

Prelim results today. Not fantastic. Oh well.

Today after results were released, for the first time I wanted to be alone. Maybe not alone. Just out of the class. Seeing my class teacher standing there as usual, I didn't want to end up talking to her yet again, the same way it is every time results come out.

I guess I'm all out of excuses on why I didn't perform. Or rather, I don't care to say them out anymore. Kinda because the people who matter to me would never believe me, and I wouldn't bother convincing people I don't quite care about. But yeah, I guess it's time again. I don't know how I'm gonna cover core and S paper syllabus, with S paper exams in 3 weeks time and mock exams in 5 weeks. But I'll do it somehow. Because I have a reason to, a reason I don't care to share, just like this entry.

2005-09-11T01:13:00.000+08:00

Here's one of the few posts that never made it past the drafts stage.. I'm posting to compensate for the lack of (insert suitable word here). It's a strange entry because it quite sums up how I'm feeling now though it's from over one term ago. Somehow I wish I was still there, for more than one reason.

Either way it's the last day of the term. I remember the end of last term and how unpleasant it was. This one was better but not as good as it could've been I guess. Last term ended with this haunting loneliness. There's a feeling worse than being alone. It's when you're afraid to talk to people about your own things, and people want your opinions on their things. It gets tiring. Shutting out your own thoughts, pretending to be something you're not. But I guess I made the choice to pretend. It just seemed like what I needed to do then. Well in that sense end of last term was better, because I don't even know what I should do now.

They say grief is personal. I remember when words failed to do justice to what I was feeling. I stopped blogging, talking to people be it in person or MSN. All that was left of me was the outer shell, which slowly crumbled away. When I realised what was happening it was a little late, and I couldn't even grow into that shell. I've never wanted to run away from what's going on. But this time I did.

Everything hinges on insecurities. I could never pinpoint what was bothering me, but I knew it was there. If I did pinpoint it correctly, I was powerless to change it. Helplessness is wanting to do something so badly that you can't do it. Today just the memory of it was enough to scare me. Because I'm still finding myself. I don't want to get lost again. Or rather I don't want to lose the path of finding myself.

I actually considered giving up blogging. Because people actually come here and read my nonsense. Yes I call it nonsense because nobody reading this ever knew what it means. But now they do. I find myself being honest here, and so I wanted to give up blogging. I don't know why I haven't. This post isn't exactly gonna do anyone any good. Of all the posts I said I thought of not posting, this one should've been left in drafts. But I didn't even give it a second thought. I don't even wonder why.

if tears could say this better
i'd cry my heart out
if words could do this justice
i wouldn't be crying now

2005-09-10T14:13:00.000+08:00

Random nonsense:

DotA trivia (even non-dota players should be able to figure this out)

What if Techies suicides a Sven with 6 Platemails? Does the Techies die?

What do YOU think? hahaha

2005-09-04T00:21:00.000+08:00

I think it's pretty obvious this blog is quite... well dead. I haven't really been writing at all, I don't even know if it's consciously or subconsciously. But really, I don't know what to write anymore. I've been fighting the urge to declare this blog closed, a temporary arrangement of course, till such time I'm ready/willing to write again.

Today writing on the class blog again was a strange feeling. I realised that I do still wanna write, but for now it's safer I didn't. This blog was purely to write about my life and my opinions on things, in a way as twisted and cryptic as possible. Why? Because I don't like password protection. I'd rather only people who care, and I'm close to, know what I say here. Let's just say I used to write here with a lot of feeling and effort. Lately it's been a mere mockery of all of that, half the reason why I stopped.

But again, I don't want to close this blog because of what it's meant to me. I still remember my first entry about June camp last year, and the many attempts at expressing my warped ideas to people who read the stuff. I loved that. I really did. But I've kinda lost it. It's like what someone else said. I wish I had that back. That zest to keep going. It's nothing that bad. Just sometimes I wonder whether I feel anything anymore.

I got nothing much to say. All I'm wondering now is whether I'll be removing this post by tomorrow. Because that's what's happened many times lately.

2005-08-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

I realised I better get a good rest tonight.

After all, I have a miracle to pull off starting tomorrow.

Haha well it kinda only hit me today. Tomorrow's THE PRELIMS! Oh well. I set my aims, yes I did. I don't know if I'll achieve them, but hell I'd like to see anyone stop me from trying. =)

All the best to everyone who's reading this, and stop reading this and go mug!Heh.

But of course if you want to keep reading, here's an email about these exciting examinations that start tomorrow.

Don't panic? why are you guys even panicking in the first place? oh prelims right?

Trust me guys, don't worry so much. I have a theory. This whole prelims-thing. Its a scam, a conspiracy I tell you. Think about it:
since when would any JC have their prelims so early? I mean, all the other JCs are having months later.
I bet you: On Monday morning, Mrs. Chan would go on stage and tell all the J2s:
"Its all a bluff to make you guys study earlier. Gotcha there *huge smile*"
See? So guys,

Chillax. Prelims ain't coming yet

So yes, let's just hope that there are no prelims, and maybe they'll go away. Haha.

Lately nothing seems to be going right
Solo, why do you have to get so low

2005-08-11T21:22:00.000+08:00

Sigh I really am pretty darn screwed. No mood to study.

2 of my classmates have given up blogging. (sort of anyway) Haha and there's me who's been considering doing that since march, but can never really get myself to abandon this damn thing. I did this new template so maybe I'll feel inspired to blog, but it's so not working. As for why, I don't really know. I feel stifled, but I don't know why. I feel like I want to express a lot of things to a lot of people, but not this publically. I feel like there's so much I could write, but I don't know what should be put down in writing. I feel like being alone, yet I want my friends around me. Yeah that last one was out of point, maybe I just don't know what i want anymore. I've tried moving out of this place but I couldn't get myself to do it, I've tried just stopping completely and that didn't work either.

Or maybe, just maybe I have the answers but refuse to accept them. I like to look at it as dreaming way past waking time. I kinda envy most people who blog, people who can actually write down their feelings for the world to see. Because I sure can't. Wonder if I even qualify as a blogger then. Hmmm.

So keep visiting this page, keep wasting your time reading all this. Maybe if you're lucky I'll post something that'll be bright and sensible, not cynical hopefully.

And I still don't get why "cynical optimist" is an oxymoron, even though I find it harder and harder to call myself one.

I've been walking in the mirror for so long
That've I've come to believe my soul's on the other side

2005-08-10T20:30:00.000+08:00

I realise it's been damn long since I've blogged properly. I come here for the sake of coming here and writing down something, just so that when I actually have something to say people will be there to read it. Haha.

Life lately has been at quite a standstill. Amazingly enough, prelims are next week. I think I stopped counting down to them a few weeks ago. I'm not stressed, just certainly screwed. Or let's just hope for a miracle. Haha. I just hope I make it to tuesday alive. After GP, Physics, Bio and Math papers.

I guess I've technically been mugging, but I don't know how much stuff has really been going in. Past few weeks have been, well I don't really have a word for it, but dreadful seems to be an exaggeration, guess I'll have to make do with that. I don't really know what to say or think anymore. But I'm suriving. Haha I find it hard to be depressed really, I don't know what it's in, but I have faith in something. Or let's call it hope shall we?

Either that or I'm living in my own world, which isn't exactly that bad a place honestly. Haha. It's just too bad that books don't exactly exist there, and neither do lecture notes. Blahh. 4 days to prelims. I don't even feel the reality as i write this down.

I guess the one thing I can do now is get enough sleep, it'll take a fair bit of energy pulling off a miracle come next week. I hope. Fat hope.

Oh and national day yesterday. Haha one line from the national day address was very interesting. "Economic growth is the best social welfare programme" How true, how true indeed. Hmmm.

2005-08-08T19:29:00.000+08:00

New skin. Quite proud of myself for doing it myself! Haha edited the picture for damn long, and didn't really come up with the code myself but edited it a lot, basically everything's different. But I'm not HTML pro. I guess I'll find a way to bring back the stuff I used to have. Some of the things don't quite work yet.

[edit] wolverine because I think he's the coolest marvel character, (one of the coolest at least) plus in the game the most idiot-proof. All you have to do is hold direction key, and spam everything else. Haha I still remember setting the record in the arcade near national stadium, and then walking out of it sweating after the intense spamming. Heh.

Hope the template doesn't look... too scary? Haha

2005-08-06T01:22:00.000+08:00

I just HAVE TO watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I heard it's an awesome show. Blah. After prelims I think I may even re-read the book. Heh. I read that book so long ago I don't even remember half of it man. All I remember is the golden ticket, and the Dexter's Lab parody of it. Just one of the many things I have to do after prelims. Maybe before? Heh.

2005-08-05T19:39:00.000+08:00

I didn't go to school today. Again. Haha well instead I wasted my time away at home sadly. I wanted to blog about something meaningful today, but yet again I realise I don't quite own this blog, sadly. So I'm reposting my old blog entry from March. I still remember every moment I wrote about, yet there's a greater understanding. Maybe it's because I'm sort of looking at it from the third person point of view, or maybe I'm just looking for answers.

And yet again there are days when I have nothing to blog about, yet I sit here aimlessly typing with no reason whatsoever. Life has come to a stand-still in essence in its fast pace. Or I'm numbed to it's passing. Each day comes and goes with seemingly little meaning left behind. March holidays were hardly the break I was looking for. I realised I'll never get that break unless I stop that thing in my head from over-working in all directions.

Fiona said today that when certain things happen, it makes her realise that I'm an year younger than her. Haha oh well not that there's something wrong with that, but I don't know whether I'll ever grow up in these things. I wonder if I want to. Hmmm.

Orientation 2 ended today. Not much compared to Orientation 1 but ended on a high today with the slideshow done by Pedro being just perfect. Awesome stuff. Credit also to the photographers who actually took the shots in the presentation. I realise there are about 4-5 months left till the 29th Council steps down. The 30ths better be good enough. Haha.

It's amazing how we tend to look for a purpose in life around somebody else. The crushes and infatuations and the love we all would love to have so we could cherish it, but most don't when they get the chance. In all the breakups and heartbreaks, one loses not just a special someone but there's suddenly a void in the way you do things each day of your life, in that feeling of being loved being missing and being unsure what life could throw at you at the next step.

Such things are enough to make people lose hope in the concept of love. But then there are the sweet things that someone does for another - symbols of love as we like to know them. Things that make this concept come alive. In a world of many troubles we find things we want to look forward to, faces we want to see everyday and incidents to treasure for years to come and smile from within with each reminder of them. Love stories start, love stories end, but the memories last and so do the many things we learn.

The end of love stories isn't usually a happily ever after, and as my good friend says life doesn't go the way you want it to even if you plan it to the nanosecond. Okay maybe that's not how it was said... so I'm kind of inferring. Haha. Oh well then there's optimism. In everything bad that happens there's good hiding somewhere - all you gotta do is find it. If you can't find it you didn't look hard enough it doesn't mean it's not there. And if you totally cannot find it, think of all the things that could've gone wrong if that one thing had gone right. Haha. And at the end of it I'd like to add that I consider myself an optimist although the concept seems to be built around paranoia of finding something good.

Albert Einstien once said : In pessimism, there's wisdom but it's sterile wisdom. In optimism, there's madness but it's creative madness.

I hope I'm correct in the quote, and that this entry serves as some bit of entertainment, because it was in no way anything constructive in my life. But then blogger's free and you can post all the crap you bother typing out. Yay.

Oh and I learnt that the quote is not by Albert Einstien. Heh. The "certain things" FIona mentioned have nothing to do with age, I don't remember if I edited my definition of optimism after the comment and I'd be lying if I said that this entry means nothing to me. Heh. And the 30ths... So far so good. Prove it to us that you guys are good enough man. =)

P.S. How egoistic is it to quote your own blog entry? Haha

2005-08-03T23:27:00.000+08:00

Oh man it's less than two weeks to prelims! It's not just any exams it's the last exams before the big As. Somehow I find myself wondering if other JCs have it better. No, not because their prelims are later than ours. It's because even though they get murdered for prelims as well, their prelim results don't decide their projected grades!!

AND it also means that you have to start mugging for something earlier. Heh. Okay so I need that extra push. Oh well nothing much can be done, but I suddenly feel this bit of pressure to perform, simply because some people do expect it of me. (based on I have no idea what)

Life's been.. I don't really have a word for it, but yeah not too pleasant lately. Haha I don't know if it's the exam period or what, but I'm somehow happier than I should be. Things will sort themselves out. I know they will. Haha or I'm just living in denial.

Blah sometimes I wonder if this blog belongs to me, or to the people who end up reading it. And I don't know which I prefer. Haha.

2005-08-02T23:05:00.000+08:00

Getting a teenager to think outside the box isn't the problem.
Getting him to think INSIDE the box. Now that's a problem.

And so GP was born.

The more I think about it the more I think it's true man.

I find myself sitting there every GP lesson during a discussion, restraining myself from speaking up. It doesn't help much though. Because whether or not I bother, I eventually walk out of the lesson dissatisfied. The monotony of GP essays is something to really fight against, not to mention writing an argument you don't personally agree with. But then again, you have to get all the marks you can possibly grab.

But still GP isn't all that bad. Haha I mean although it kinda dumbs you down into thinking like everyone else, (not that everyone else is dumb, just taking the average dumbs everyone down) you don't have to live with the system. Heh. Just for the heck of it, I like to include a weird argument that makes no logical sense, but in a long winded (not to mention warped) type of way, fits in. That kinda makes essay writing worth it. Haha how I wish there wasn't a fixed structure to essay writing. Ah well. A few months and then I'll probably miss essay writing.

[note to self] this entry was written 2 weeks before prelims, I was not, am not and will never be a nerd. or a mugger.

[note to everyone] that note was in case I ever forget haha.

2005-07-31T08:26:00.000+08:00

Ah it's only two more weeks till the prelims. Time to get down to even more serious mugging, no distractions, not anymore. No proper blog entry again. Bleah if prelims weren't important, this'd be quite a boring topic by now.

You know where to look.

I would apologise for what happened last night, but it wouldn't help much. I'm sorry that things had to be this way. I didn't plan it to be. I just hope that after this period of awkwardness we'll be friends again.

I guess last night was necessary even though it hurt. I'm glad you're concerned about me, but getting you to speak your mind fully was the only way to end it. All of it. I'm sorry if I hurt you in wanting to make all this more concrete for me. If it makes things any better, I will try to get over all of this. All I need is a bit of time.

I do respect your decision, I don't imagine two of us having something would be easy. But if I hadn't told you all that I did yesterday, I'd never have gotten over this. I'd never have learnt that it's time to let go. To move on. I hope I know now. I never chose to like you, I don't know if I can choose to not.

For all that it's worth, I am not looking for anything short term. But yeah I'll get over it.

I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

2005-07-28T23:13:00.000+08:00

It's less than 3 weeks to prelims now. Shucks like popular belief, I'm pretty darn screwed haha but I'm not exactly afraid. I'm gonna try my best, and achieve my best hopefully, something I haven't tried to do since my sec 4 prelims. Any idiot will tell me HAH! dream on haha but I'm done bothering with that. All that matters right now are those books and cramming the stuff in them into my head. =D

So till further notice, all forms of leisurely activities (except MSN, that's not leisurely it's fuel to life) are postponed till after these examinations. It's about a month before the end, something I really look forward to. I guess I've been quite a strange confused little kid lately, many things to be said but unsure when the time is right. So yes. Let's get the mugging done for now.

All the best to everyone for their prelims. I doubt this'll be my last entry before then haha but yeah.

I actually wanted to blog about how I love and hate GP at the same time, but nevermind that, for now at least. Let's just get the marks. Heh.

Random fact: I suddenly love Keane all over again. Haha.

Safe in here from all those stupid questions,
"Hey, did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb...

Hardly song lyrics but strangely apt. I doubt anyone knows what I'm talking about. Haha.

2005-07-27T19:11:00.000+08:00

Hello I'm here blogging again when I have no idea what to say. Haha. I'm feeling fairly accomplished today since I managed to do some much-needed studying. Yesterday I kinda freaked out looking at the first few questions of last year's math prelim paper. Today realised it was probably Keith Tan who set the paper, meaning it's designed to kill psychologically. Haha true enough only the first part was hard.

I didn't go to school today seeing it's a wednesday, the short day of the week which makes me feel slack the whole day. It was fairly productive I guess, between the naps. Unpleasant dreams haha. Still managed to get a fair bit of work done. It kinda helps to keep the stress out. Heh.

I don't know if it's good or bad that chem's cancelled.

I realised this blog entry is just for the sake of blogging haha I'll write proper ones after prelims hopefully. It's not the lack of time, or the stress it's just the frame of mind. I can't wait for prelims to be over I've got a whole list of stuff I want to do, like watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, reading a few books, maybe doing my math tutorials as a teachers' day present haha, playing some serious DotA and well other things. (:

For now it's mugging, which I'll do after Friends is over. Heh

2005-07-26T20:02:00.000+08:00

Oh man it's less than three weeks to the prelims. Every day in school is a new wake up call. Each time I tell myself it's not too late, each time a little less convincing. Well I guess it's almost a defence mechanism not to take the stress, one I wish I currently didn't have.

2005-07-23T00:54:00.000+08:00

Got through another week of school. Prelims are scary man. Shall blog tomorrow maybe, too tired now. Read on?

I guess I can't help you with what you're going through now, but I hope I can give you reason to smile sometimes. (: I just hope you'll be fine, and you know what? I know you will. Ü

2005-07-20T15:00:00.000+08:00

Today it finally hit me that prelims are just about here. I wish I could just care about mugging for the next 5 weeks or so, to last through the prelims and get a fair score. Today, for the first time (ever) I feel a bit stressed. I hope that's a good thing.

Has it ever happened that there are things which you know you ought to do, or should do, yet you can't get yourself to do them? Out of fear of losing something or of doing it all wrong or the consequences, or anything else for that matter. And everytime you're given the chance you sit there and wonder if this is the best time, and then time just leaves you behind. Well all of this wouldn't happen if we were all born with a little more guts, or rather with the ability to realise that even if it doesn't go the way you want it to, it won't kill you.

I write all of this out here, hoping that it'll rub off on me. Heh.

2005-07-17T05:59:00.000+08:00

I was gonna blog about this last night but I had to wake up extra early today to go to the airport so I decided against it. Heh. Well here I am now.

Channel 5 seriously could not have picked a better week to show Remember the Titans. Monday was Investiture, and in all our nervousness and mixed feelings while marching in, the one thing that we still remember clearly is the invest music, the music taken from the soundtrack of Remember the Titans.

Last night as the show was still playing, many of the 29ths were watching it, and since the movie ended, there have already been three people who've said that the movie brought back the memories and the emotions. It was the same for me. I don't think I'll be able to remember this movie as "Remember the Titans", cause I'll seriously remember it as "Remember the 29ths" (: I think I'll go pick up the VCD/DVD soon enough. Heh.

Shucks man listening to the Soundtrack already brings out the tears. It's like each part of the track brings with it a different feeling, as intended by the composer I'm sure but the extra bit from standing in the hall the first time waiting to get installed, and an year later to get extalled. I say this again and I mean it more each time - I love you guys!

2005-07-16T08:18:00.000+08:00

Ahh the day The Half-blood Prince comes out. Haha I can't wait to get my hands on it. It'd be a nice way to end of this week. Heh. It's been a very eventful week, a lot of things I probably won't even forget.

Monday was the council Investiture, and our extallation. I was in the group that didn't cry (not that it's something to brag about) but I found myself wishing I had. Because I guess it didn't really hit me what extallation means for us. But oh well frankly I'm fine with it. Since monday I actually find myself a lot closer the councillors as friends, not colleagues. Like finally. Heh. As in we were always very very close, but there were some people I wasn't close to that I am now. I'm glad for that.

Yesterday was our "hand-over ceremony of the council room" (we're kind of starting that tradition) and we cut a cake and everything. Haha and well something that Shirah said NEARLY (yes Shirah, nearly) brought out the tears. It was nice though, spending a day in there with the 29ths, locking the 30ths out. Heh.

But there were other things that made yesterday even more memorable. Haha.

Hmm. I don't know what the extra bit in your post was referring to, but if it had a single little bit to do with THAT, don't think about it. I'm gonna wait anyway. I decided that even before I told you, I didn't wanna say till after As remember? And I'm prepared to wait even longer than that. So yes. I only told you because I couldn't keep hiding it. Don't let it affect you for now. The big prelims are coming. (: And if it's something else, I just got jacked haha but cheer up!

2005-07-12T19:52:00.000+08:00

Hmmm there's this odd sense of dead calm about today. I don't quite know what it is but whatever it is it's getting to me. The weird thing is that it rained so heavily today, yet there's this silence in the air. It's been an extremely lazy day, and I guess all this can be because I'm just feeling so tired but it sure doesn't feel that way. It's like I haven't finished waking up since I got out of bed this morning.

As childish as it sounds I find myself going NO council life can't be over. Bleah. But yeah I shall blog about something to take my mind off this... emptiness.

Perspective. It's amazing how one thing can mean something so different to different people. Today I was watching the Memories Project again, and my mum walked into the room to see what it was that got me so involved. After a few minutes she said "I guess it's something only a bunch of you can relate to". Haha and then I realised yeah nobody outside of council could care any less about most things talked about there. Yet to us they're so special.

But perspective isn't just about that. Perspective is the answer to everything irrational. How can something truely be irrational if a sentient being came up with it. Often we reject ideas proposed by other people, but really we can never claim them irrational. And sometimes in our anger we say things, trying to be perfectly honest to get a in-the-face logic through, only to make it sound so low. We assume our words will be interpreted the way we meant them, which could never be the case since the other party can never be in the same state of mind to see it that way.

The same way people say things we misunderstand, and sometimes we just refuse to admit that he/she couldn't have meant it this way. So then you wonder if being entirely honest is really the right thing to do. Well I don't know about right or wrong, but I know if it was the best thing to do words like tact wouldn't have been created. And no I don't think you can be both tactful and honest at times. Because tact is sucking out all the intensity and feeling out of your opinion and giving close to nothing of it.

In my semi-dreamy state I wonder why I wrote all this down. I think I should just go back to sleep.

[edit] I wish I'd just cried like a baby yesterday back in the hall. We're all going through PES (post extallation syndrome)

my mum just asked me if I'm still going to school at 7 tomorrow. When I said yes, she said for what? Blahh no more morning duty. One of the manymany things I miss and will miss. I think I'm gonna be ranting about council life for a few posts.

2005-07-12T11:30:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the 30th Students' Council Investiture, which means it was also the day we extalled. ):

Waking up at 3.45 a.m. and rushing to school by 5 am to prepare for the Investure and most of us getting sentimental even before walking in for the Investiture, it was a day I won't forget easily. At the reception I think most of us didn't even get a bite we were too busy walking around taking photos with EVERYONE! Haha. My eyes and cheeks were hurting already by the time we were done.

After that, the official phototaking, and then the school had chartered a bus to take us whereever we wanted. -grinz- So we went to Karen's house, played pool for a bit and then watched the Memories Project! Oh man if the Investiture was supposed to be touching this was plain murder. Haha really it's something even people outside council otta admire but only the 29ths can relate to. Watching it brought out the tears again for some of us.

By this time it was already late afternoon so we all went home to change into our formals for the dinner at the American Club. Heh. I wore this shirt (which was alright I guess) but then I decided to screw it and get a new one. Haha so I got my mum to drive me down to town and buy me something new! =D The dinner went awesome. Really it did. Lots more phototaking (torture for the eyes if you're clicking twice a minute for 2 hours) and the food was good! Even for Vegetarians haha.

Nobody wanted to go anywhere when it was time to leave. So then we decided to go walk around town for a bit and ended up at Coffee Bean. Some of us were actually going to school today so we finally left a bit past 11. I was thinking of not going to school today due to the lack of sleep last night, and then I actually fell sick.

That didn't quite spoil the day for me I had lots of fun. Needless to say I love every single one person in the council. Really I do. It's like suddenly there's a void that needs filling up. But either way I'm glad I joined council. It taught me so much, the whole experience as well as working with other Councillors. And when I say I would change nothing if I could, I really wouldn't cause it was just perfect. I love you guys. (:

The 29th Students' Council

I'm so tempted to spam all my pictures on this blog, but I'm resisting. Heh.

The brownies helped to make this day even better. Thanks. (:

2005-07-10T00:15:00.000+08:00

Today was the council SJI. I REALLY enjoyed myself today. Haha well it was basically pool, mahjong (teamed with Fio), more pool and a very nice heart-to-heart chat with some of the J1s. We talked about everything. It was kinda nice that they were willing to open up, and suddenly I find myself wondering if I should go dig the corners of my pocket to get them stuff for Investiture! =S

Besides that this week's been rather unproductive. I can't seem to get myself to stop myself from trying to take in the memories of JC life and/or start studying. Heh. I guess I'm finally catching up with my classmates, but I hope I'm not too slow. There's not much time before prelims, and it's like carrying out an experiment for the first time and expecting a successful result. It's hell scary.

Anyway back to my happy day today, I didn't touch a single book. (Which should be scary right now) Met up with Fio today before the SJI and we had a long nice chat after a very long time. We finally decided what to get the rest of the councillors on Monday. (Investiture) The announcement yesterday quite hit me. It was my last day doing morning duty, my last time wearing that long badge. After every thing that's gone right or wrong, pleasant or unpleasant, I don't think I'd change anything in my council life. It's meant so much to me since the start, and it's gonna end in about 32 hours time. I could really not express the emotion if I tried.

I'd write more but it's kinda late at night. There's lots more to say :(

It's the mad life that we love

2005-07-07T19:12:00.000+08:00

Random thought of the day: I wish I knew how to play the piano.

Before Chem S Ben was playing and I dunno what it was but it made me wish I had that kind of passion for music. To lose myself in it so completely, or rather find myself completely through it. I realise I have a lot of things I want to do after my As, reading and learning a musical instrument definitely being one of them. There are just so many things I want to read about, but I find myself reading silly stuff over and over solely because I'm lazy to read from a proper book!

As for music, I just hope I can get myself to go sign up for something, even though it's a little late to start. Heh.

edit: oh my ipod's ready for collection. It's a replacement. New piece with no scratches. Heh.

2005-07-05T23:28:00.000+08:00

Day 1 without iPod:
Suddenly I realise the need of playlists instead of random songs playing off my com. Still surviving, though school's a little more difficult without it. Haha.

First day of the week, glad I didn't do that kick-boxing thing today. Gay stuff. I find myself worrying about next week now that I won't be off from school like I thought I would. Maybe it's time to follow Boris's ways. Heh. Soon soon.

Either way today's been quite productive I guess, except for the fact that I zoned out during double math lecture. I'm sick of playing Worms. School isn't exactly easy either. All the harder without my iPod.

What a time to not have my iPod. I don't quite know if it's good or bad. Bad because I can't shut the world out at will, and good because the last thing I should want to hear right now are love songs or sad songs. But I do.

I don't know if you're reading this. I don't know if I want you to be reading this. But I wish we could forget all this and be the friends we used to be. I didn't want things to change. That's why I kept it back so long. This is what I was afraid of since... last year? I don't even know anymore.

2005-07-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

Okay this was so hilarious (and strangely true) I just HAD TO post it up.

every other time says:
it was like drinking fine wine

every other time says:
or listening to vivaldi

every other time says:
or playing a gd game of dota

every other time says:
or getting 4As in A levels

every other time says:
tts wat it feels like watching federer

Wahaha that's Paul (my classmate) by the way.

But yeah the Federer-Roddick match was pure ownage. With any other player Roddick would've won, but not with Federer. Disgustingly good.

Watched Live 8 yesterday (and the day before) and it was amazing stuff. Like Zou Li said millions of people at the five concerts, and the billions watching it through online streaming or TV, it just goes to show music is still the universal language.

It's for a good cause. I've always been slightly (understatement) skeptical about international aid, but yeah this stuff has to be at least mostly good. The performances were awesome, I didn't manage to catch the full show but even the bits I did catch were definitely not worth missing. Haha I didn't really know all the bands performing, and I heard a surprisingly good song, but I have no idea who sang it, and I don't remember the lyrics either.

And I wish the iTunes store would just be available in Singapore. People download music out of convenience as much as they do it to save money. You can get individual songs, AND you can do it without moving. So we're sloths. Bleah. I think I shall stop now. Now. People can still send me songs online, but that's about it. I shall buy songs online or rip CDs. Or search desperately on MSN for people who have it, but not download. Haha it's not a lot better but hey it's harder to find songs online than on Ares so I'll be downloading lesser.

I'd completely quit but I don't want to put up with withdrawal symptoms. Heh. It's not like I download songs anymore anyway actually.

Oh friday was Passion AC. The last council event of our term. (Invest doesn't count.) I stayed back for a while to help out, and I really enjoyed it. I don't know whether it was because of it being nearly my last time doing something like that, or something else, but I had fun. There was a mini gossip session (not initiated by me) haha but that wasn't the reason I stayed back! I didn't go for Passion AC though.

Plus there was photo-taking for our class on Friday. Haha we had a lot of fun, and it made me think about the future. Blah I don't wanna leave JC. I don't wanna leave SC2. I don't wanna leave council! Haha. It's scary. 6 months to do so much, and enjoy myself before I leave for NS or studies. I'm scared.

But at least now I'm kinda certain of what I'm gonna do in Uni. Not completely certain but still. For now it's the prelims, and hopefully I'm gonna do better than I've been doing. I guess I'm counting down the end of prelims. It's damn fun enjoying yourself after the hardest exam in your life. A levels are supposed to be simpler. Supposed to be. So let's all whack for prelims.

Muggerificationization initiated.

2005-07-02T00:47:00.000+08:00

Good day to you. A confession made, feel much lighter. Good night to you.

Short, not crisp though. Heh.

2005-06-30T23:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you just have to do things yourself. As much as people want to help and you want their help, it's pointless.

It's weird. I feel like right now there's nobody I can talk to but that's just not true. It's not like I didn't try. But I'm tired. I wish I could say it was the studies and the whole stress of term 3, but sadly it's not.

I just need to sort some things out. With myself. So don't mind the brick wall you may see, I don't quite know if I'd want anyone to break it down. Or maybe I do.

Today wasn't exactly a great day. I have no idea why, I just know it wasn't good. This entry isn't meant to be cryptic. It's just meant to be me being me, confused for the day. Let's just hope it's for the day.

2005-06-26T09:54:00.000+08:00

I watched the Harry Potter And the Goblet Of Fire trailer last night, and man Emma Watson's enough reason to watch that movie. Haha. It even convinced me to order the Half-Blood Prince straight away. Lol. I just hope there'll be time to read it, with prelims being exactly a month away from the release date. Heh.

And I really need to go Swensens one day. REALLY. Yesterday, I went off to sleep and when in that state of half-asleep(ness) all I could think about was ice cream! I actually woke up and reached out with my mouth open to take a bite, (off my imaginary ice cream) only to wake up and laugh at myself. Haha. Bahhhhh.

Well yeah I still need to get my iPod fixed before I can start studying properly again. I guess if Apple does give me a brand new iPod, I'd be fine with the week without an iPod. Heh. They actually might, so yeah. This time I already have the cover and everything beforehand so it'll be kept in better condition.

It's better kept to myself till after the As, the last thing I want to have is the distraction getting bigger! Haha so no names for now. =)And You're Beautiful isn't exactly my song. But it's nice. I will escape the truth. Haha.

2005-06-25T16:23:00.000+08:00

It's official. I HATE Apple. Seriously, so much for customer service. If it isn't bad enough that my iPod isn't working due to the microdrive being corrupted, Apple's pissing me off with their poor service standards. Yesterday I made a trip down to the Apple shop in the afternoon at about 3.30 pm. The technician turns out to be one of the few people who choose to eat lunch from 3 pm to 4 pm. Sheesh. I ask the guy at the shop if he can at least advice me, or if this is even the right place to be and he tells me yes come back and speak to the technician. Fine.

Then I go back to the damn shop at 7 pm and hurray the guy is standing there. (Deep breath)

Me: I'm here to give my iPod for repair. (had your lunch fatass?)
The guy: Oh alright, so where did you buy your iPod? Oh? Not here? Oh well then, here, (hands me this piece of paper) go here to repair.
Me: oh.. right... (deep breath)

Now this paper says they're open till 7, so I check my watch and it's 7.05. Oh shucks I'm too late, and it's all Mr Fat Guy's fault. Sheesh. Nevermind it can wait till tomorrow (saturday) since they're open till 2 on Saturday. No worries.

So I woke up this morning and got ready to finally give my iPod for repair. Lucky for me I decide to give them a call before leaving to check on their screwed up lunch times.

This is what I hear : Our operational hours are Monday to Friday from 9 am to 7 pm. Please call back during operational hours.

If it wasn't a prerecorded message I'd have blown the guy's ears out. That piece of paper I had wasn't even hand written it was a print-out. Lucky I didn't just walk out of the house and go all the way to Ang Mo Kio to realise that they're having a day off to catch up with more mealtimes. So yes people, if you can live without a clickwheel or a nice looking laptop, don't ever buy Apple. It's bad for the soul.

No wonder they're not big after so many damn years of trying.